By John Peterson

I never saw it coming

Recently and abruptly, my wife of thirteen years said she no longer wanted to be married to me. This is the same woman who until recently said "quitting is not an option" and that she was committed to me and our two-year-old son for life.

I felt blindsided and betrayed. I have never experienced pain like this, not only due to the tremendous loss, but to my lack of understanding. How could this have happened? The relationship felt so secure — just days before she left, she treated me like the hero I thought I was to her. There was no reason, and no clues — or so I felt.

I started to see clues for why my marriage failed

Then one day I received a letter from her father. Among other things it contained the following paragraphs:

“First off, in my own case I find that as I grow older I hear myself sounding more like my Dad! When I do it, if I become aware of it, I am horrified because here I am, doing and saying things I have sworn never to do or be. I think that this is a common enough occurrence in adult life of the male, that you are probably finding yourself doing the same thing with your own father. Watch out! This can lead to trouble.”

“In dealing with women, I have found that there can never be enough romance — not necessarily sex — but the little things that reassure the lady that she is still the beautiful person that she wants to be in your eyes. Try on a daily basis to notice in a positive way her clothes, her physical beauty, the things she does around the house — decoration, food, art — ‘spirit lifters.’ ”

Whether he had a window into my soul, I don’t know, but the impact of his words reverberated through me. The “things I have sworn never to do or be” brought back memories of my father and how he had totally dominated my mother, forced her to be submissive and insecure. I had resolved that I would never do that in my relationship. Yet, as a man ruled by the King/Warrior archetypes, was I doing the same thing? Was docility my wife’s natural being, or the pose she adopted to deal with my domination? Were her efforts to show me I was her hero mirrored by mine reminding her she was my queen?

The lament and the lessons

As men, by nature or even teaching, we tend to leave relationships to the women, as though it has nothing to do with us. We think it will work out by itself, or that the women will fix it when it needs fixing. So instead of doing preventative maintenance on the relationship, we are constantly doing damage control. Sometimes, the damage becomes irreparable — and there we are left, hurt and bewildered.

Perhaps the clues were there all along, but I was too caught up in my upbringing and macho act to see them. 

Men, a relationship is precious and fragile. Get off autopilot and be present, before you miss the last clue. If my pain can help just one man, my experience will at least not have been in vain.

Key take-aways

• Clues to a failing relationship are there — if you look

• Be conscious in your relationship – don’t fall prey to inherited destructive patterns

• Relationship is the man’s job too – not just the woman’s