How Men Use Commitments and Consequences to Foster Their Growth
By Moe Rubenzahl
The goal of men’s work and men’s teams, as we practice them in Momentum, is to support each other to become the best version of ourselves. Momentum teams have developed and refined practices to help us hold each other accountable through the tools of commitment and consequences.
The Commitment Meeting
The first step is a meeting in which each team member talks about his values and life goals, from which he sets commitments for himself.
In this context, a commitment is not just something he wants to accomplish—it’s a life goal, a declaration of growth, a statement of how he will be. It comes from core values. It doesn’t have to be huge and life-changing, but we are talking about something more than doing the laundry (probably).
How Commitments Define Us
Men often speak of the value of “keeping your word.” It’s a big deal. A man at his best does what he says he will do and is what he says he is, acknowledging that occasionally we all make mistakes.
We strongly believe that keeping commitments is an important step toward growth, so much so that we offer two guides for a fulfilling life:
Keep your commitments.
Make more commitments.
Many people know about #1 but forget the value of #2.
The Technology for Setting Commitments
We use five criteria for a successful commitment:
1) It is a stretch. An easy commitment is worthless.
2) It is do-able. By this we mean not only that it is possible, but that the person or team making the commitment is ready to make it so. It is not necessary that you know how it will be done; only that you can declare, from your gut, that it will be done.
3) Accomplishing it will constitute a win. If accomplishing the commitment will result in a feeling of “so what?” then change it until you know it will cause a feeling of “All-riggggght!!”
4) It must be measurable—you, and everyone else, should be able to tell without doubt whether you did or did not accomplish the commitment.
5) It is public. Men tend to forget and, being great game players, we sometimes cheat. Let the rest of your team know what you’ve declared and how you’re progressing so they can help keep you on track.
You may be familiar with “SMART” goals: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. Feel free to use this or other useful methodology your team finds effective.
Honoring your commitments results in growth: it is highly likely that if you are consistently doing what you say you will do, you are moving toward the best version of yourself.
Consequences
Sometimes we use consequences to help a man stay on track. We prefer not to think of them as “penalties” because a penalty is a punishment and implies shame or being wrong. We think of consequences as an opportunity to regain one’s honor when a commitment is missed.
There is always a natural consequence for missing a commitment. Besides the loss of whatever accomplishment the commitment would have provided, there might also be a loss of self-respect and the trust of others. In some cases, these losses are self-corrective–that is, the pain of those losses is sufficient to keep you on track and fulfill the commitment, or keep you from ever missing it again.
In other cases, it can be helpful to add a consequence that has a more immediate bite to it, like paying money or performing a compensatory service. But it has the same intent: to release any shame and get back on track. It’s like speeding on the freeway—many of us are more motivated by the consequence of getting a speeding ticket than we are by the thought that speeding may cause loss of life and property.
Whatever they are, it is most important to set consequences that work. Consequences that don’t motivate you to fulfill the commitment are useless. They usually involve some pain but the consequence should not be so odious that it becomes more important than the commitment.
Monetary fines are a tried-and-true consequence. Setting the amount is a bit tricky because a dollar means something different to each man. One team uses an interesting twist—each man sets his own fine, so one man’s fine for being late might be $10, another’s might be $100. When a man sets his own fine, the team’s judgment can determine whether it’s at the right level for him.
Another type of consequence that some teams find effective is a physical consequence, such as pushups or cold showers. These have the added benefit that the team can cheer the man on, offering him moral support while reaffirming that the physical consequence allows the man to release his shame and restore his honor.
Key Take-aways
Men’s teams use commitments to help each other grow. Making and keeping commitments over and over help us continuously become better men.
By selecting meaningful commitments, and holding each other accountable, we support our friends and enhance our lives.
We use consequences not as penalties or punishments, but as tools to help us stay on track.
