My Father’s Death Ended a Family Legacy of Brutality and Misogyny

By Dene Maria Sebastiana

My Father Died Today

Albert John Shikaly Sr was my father. He died at 2:30 this morning in Phoenix, AZ at the age of 98, leaving behind two sons, two daughters-in-law, and three grandchildren. Some say he was a good man, mostly those who did not really know him. Sometimes even I say that, only because knowing where he came from, I understand the abuse and hardships he endured. Still, I was deeply wounded and have been working on my father issues since I was 24 years old.

He was handsome, charming, sweet at times, even loving. But his narcissism, his relentless concern with his own instinctive needs, his unwillingness to give true consideration to others, and his absolute stubbornness made him difficult to love. I grieve the loss of my father, but the truth is, I feel like I never really had a dad, that my brother and I were orphans.

The Family Legacy He and I Inherited

Born in New York in 1921 to Assyrian immigrant parents, the youngest of three, Albert watched his father’s misogynistic brutality rain down upon his mother and two sisters. The girls fled early; Albert remained at home until the war. Returning in 1945, his mother on her deathbed, she made him promise that he would care for his father. He married Vincenza Maria Cusimano in ‘46, I was born in ‘47, my brother in ‘52. My father held his promise until he could hold it no longer. 

But the violence, born from my father’s childhood, continued into mine. The screaming, the foul language, the sexual tension and accusations of infidelity, the physical fights, the regular visits by the cops, the constant rage of my father, the frozenness of my mother, the scathing viciousness of my grandfather, the never-ending warfare between the two men I so loved as a boy; these all imprinted in me from conception. I have wrestled with these demons for my entire life.

My Wounding Gave Rise to My Passion for Healing Myself and Others

If Rumi is correct—that the wound is the place in the body where the soul enters—then mine entered early. In Mens Work, we offer the concept that the little boy’s deepest need and unresolved wound gives rise to the mission in a man’s life. It’s small wonder that my wound led me to do this work. My unrelenting drive to heal myself has fueled my passion to help other men heal. 

I Forgive My Father

Today, my heart is tender and grateful, full of love for my father, for I am at peace with him. I have said to him everything that needed to be said, heard from him everything that needed to be heard. To the best of my ability and understanding, I have worked through my karma with him. So I bid him bon voyage on his journey. I trust that his soul will take him where he needs to go. 

The Violent Legacy Ends With Me

Absorbing the lessons passed down from my Assyrian/Sicilian lineage, I have stopped the violence. Now, my continuing work is to end the misogyny. So I thank you … Albert Shikaly, Albert Shikaly, Albert Shikaly … aho.

Key Take-aways

• My family background—generations of rage and violence—wounded me deeply but gave me my life’s mission.

• My wounding led me to seek a life of healing myself.

• In forgiving my father, I can find peace, release my violent heritage and help to heal others.